There are Moments

Every once in a while, I feel such a deep loss. I miss the man before the stroke, if I look back, which I rarely do, I remember him as he was. He is different now, but he is still the same. That doesn't make sense does it? But it is true. He acts different, talks different, he can't read or write like he could. He is more emotional and sensitive. He struggles to keep up with a conversation, you must be patient and allow him to get the words out. The words are stuck in his brain, he can't bring them quickly. I hurt for him, when his friend talks over him, I can see the frustration, anger that comes to the surface. He becomes quiet with him; with me, he reminds me, I can't go as fast as you. You need to slow down. Do you know how hard it is to stay slow? It has been almost 2 years, I work 40 hours+, I make all the doctor appointments for Clark and myself, I need to go with Clark, because he cannot remember what is said. So, I need to schedule work around his appointments, as well as mine. I am his pharmacist, he takes around 20 pills a day. Thank God, I have insurance. I make sure he takes them when he should, and make sure they are ordered when they should be. I manage all the bills, pay for the home, two vehicles, medical bills, scripts, utilties. I do the laundry, cooking, try to keep the house clean. Try to figure out what to do when the washer is out of balance, try to figure out why the mower won't start, so I can mow the growing grass. (beautiful green it is!) Try to be strong to unload the horse feed and hay for the horses. Make sure our dogs, horses and cats are fed and loved. He is shorter then me now. But, his eyes are still so intensely brown, they still can tell you exactly what he is feeling. They can show anger, love, laughter with a twinkle. His "essence" is still him, I can't put that into words, but that is the key... He is much more then what I have said in this post, the bypass has set him back some, which brought this out I think. He says he is depressed right now, but he can feel the life coming back, the desire to live and be all you can be, just like everyone else.....